Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

Another Interview with Osama bin Laden


Category: politics

Some time ago, I used one of my psychics to conduct an interview with Osama bin Laden. Since some time has passed and the Pakistanis are pounding his Number Two, I thought I should check in with him again.

ObL: Where am I?
LB: I?ll ask the questions here.
ObL: Oh no, not you again.
LB: Remember that I said as far as you know, I am a messenger from Allah. Is that how you react to Allah?s works?
ObL: What? No, of course not. I was just caught by surprise. Please forgive me Oh Merciful Allah.
LB: I?m not Allah. Now shut up so we can get this over with. Why aren?t you in France?
ObL: I?m trying. It takes time to get Allah?s people to move. There are Americans everywhere trying to shoot us dead. It is all very terrible.
LB: Maybe it wouldn?t be so terrible if you were in France. It shouldn?t be too hard to motivate a nice Jihad against France. We convinced the French to outlaw Islamic clothing. That?s a direct attack on Islam. You still couldn?t get people to go?
ObL: We are working on it. You didn?t specify a time frame so we were going to take our time and do it right.
LB: Uh huh, right. Well, you have a time frame now. Allah wants you and all His people who will follow you to be in France before Ramadan. Notice I said France. That means not England, not Spain, not Germany, not the United States, you are to go to France. You got that?
ObL: Oh yes, Merciful One. Only France.
LB: Don?t call me ?Merciful One?. If Allah would let me, I would shave your beard and feed it to a goat. Allah might be merciful, but he doesn?t have to smell you. Just call me messenger.
ObL: Yes, Messenger. I will lead Allah?s people to France. We will be there by Ramadan.
LB: Also, stop blowing stuff up and shooting stuff. You?re going to want to have all that ammo with you when you get to France.
ObL: Oh yes, messenger. I will surely do this.
LB: If you need a little motivation to get on the move, remember this. I had a talk with Al Zawahri the other day. I instructed him to write a letter for you. He has addressed a copy to each of your hiding places. When the Pakistanis capture him in a day or two, they will find the letters and hand them to the Americans who will then know about all your hiding places. Sounds like you better skedaddle.
ObL: What! The Americans! I must go now. I must go immediately to France. France does not like the Americans. I can go there.
LB: Yea, you better get started. Isn?t that an American plane flying overhead? Maybe it?s a bomber.
ObL: Yipes!

At this point, bin Laden went back to his own body in Chicago. My psychic took a couple of deep breaths and then looked down, realizing that bin Laden had wet himself. Sure, it was bin Laden.

Comments (4)
You gotta pick the right guy to do the job.
Go out now and vote for LibertyBob.
It is my most sincere belief that stupidity is the same as evil.