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Not your candidate

The War on Drugs


Category: politics

Imagine that you've turned on your television. A different program preempts your favorite show; it preempts all the shows. It is your leader, LibertyBob, addressing the nation on the war on drugs. Let's watch!

As many of you know, we define a government as a group or person who controls a territory, either real or virtual. This control is maintained through strength, either due to the sheer volume of supporters, as when you support me, or more simply through force of arms.

Gangs try to control territories of their own. They organize and bring in weapons and establish themselves in an area. The problem with this is that they are trying to do it in areas where we are already the government. When two governments collide, it is war.

For too long, the War on Drugs and other gang-related crime has not been treated as real war. We've acted as though the individuals involved are just that, individual criminals. We saw how that worked out in Mexico.

Well, all that ends tonight. We now recognize these gangs as opposing armies who are invading our country. Their members are not criminals but enemy combatants. They no longer have Miranda Rights, but must be treated under the Geneva Conventions. This is an actual war and will be treated as such.

If you identify yourself as a United States citizen and are found to be working with the gangs, you will be tried for treason. Note that this trial is not a civilian court but a military tribunal. If found guilty, you will be executed under law. Our current methods of execution for treason include lethal injection, hanging, and firing squad. You will have the opportunity to make your case that you joined the gang under duress and you may receive a lesser sentence through cooperation.

Persons who are gang members but are not citizens will be treated like any other soldiers. You will want to take note of this. If you are paid more than the local members but have the same skills, you will be classified as a mercenary. If you are out of uniform, you are a spy. Spies tend to get shot, even when in captivity.

This may all sound dire, but there is hope. I believe that we will be successful and remove this violence from our land and restore peace. The transgressors will be removed quickly. They will no longer clog our streets. They will no longer clog our judicial systems. They will no longer prey on our children.

The neighborhoods most strongly affected by war will be rebuilt. This will improve the infrastructure and provide jobs. Streets will have to be strengthened to support our tanks and this too will provide jobs.

While in conflict areas, our soldiers will show the children what it means to belong to something noble. They will no longer find glamor, strength, or power in the idea of being a gang member. Instead, they will find Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. The JROTC will provide nutritious food and exercise programs. There will be after school programs. The children will be given extra lessons in civics and how they belong to the community and have a duty to righteousness. They will never feel that they are not part of the American dream. Many will then grow up to be officers in our Armed Services where they will earn more than most college professors and have health care for life.

This war will end soon. We will be victorious. We will have peace and prosperity on our streets, but first, we have a little cleaning up to do. Citizens, grab your brooms.

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