Spammers

2004-02-23

We all know that spam (the e-mail type, not the food-ish type) is a problem. Most days I get about twenty bad messages through the filters. There's even a new law against it. (You can read an ABC article about the new law here.) I've got a few good thoughts on the subject.

We must realize that our laws will not be easily enforceable because most spammers have already moved their operations off shore. That means they are in countries that aren't about to let the United States waltz in and enforce some American computer laws. Those countries get huge quantities of cash from people who want to feel safe from Uncle Sam.

Right now the U.S. is working with other nations to stop the proliferation of spam throughout the "civilized" world. The U.K. is big time on board with this. Germany is also working hard (and will continue to do so if they know what's good for them.) Russia has been problematic but they'll catch up when the spammers start suggesting that Russian genitals need enhancing.

So here's my solution. First, don't respond to spam. When someone actually buys that crap the spam advertises it just encourages the spammers to send more. Do not buy anything from spam what so ever. Call your granny and tell her not to buy anything either. Call everybody. If someone tells you they bought something from spam, point your index finger at them, raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes and shout, "Spam purchaser!" Keep doing this until everyone else joins in. Purchasing from spam is the same type of crime as buying crack. Offenders must be penalized.

Second, we must track the spam back to the source and remove the fingers of the spammers. How well can they type spam if they've got no fingers? This might seem cruel, and that's just about right. (I had some thoughts about inserting their severed fingers back into them, but even I have my limits.)

You may ask, "What about when the spammers are on some little Caribbean island with no extradition treaties?"

That's simple. We consider spam to be a danger to our infrastructure. That's an act of war and the spammers must be brought to justice. We let the little island know that if the spammer is in our custody we can handle the justice in a very precise way in a controlled environment. We also let them know that if the spammer is roaming free we may have to exact justice in more broad strokes, possibly something nuclear. I'm sure that any little island, after the first one, will be very compliant with our request and be very helpful in seeing that justice is done.

See, if we all work together in a positive fashion we can put an end to spam and other computer related crimes. (You don't' want to know what I have planned for people who make viruses.)