Learning from the Taliban

2004-08-15

It seems the Taliban has given us a model to follow, or so thinks Cory Burnell. According to this ABC News article, Burnell is one of the founders of a group that wants to create a conservative Christian state. Ooh, where does one sign up?

Here's the scoop. The group, called ChristianExodus.org, wants conservative Christians to move in large numbers to South Carolina. Once there they will establish a government based on conservative Christian values. Since this will directly violate the Constitution, they hope to be able to secede from the Union.

After I got past the laughing hysterically, I analyzed this. Would it be good to get all the militant Christian extremists to move to one easy to guard location? Of course it would. Is it good to let them secede so we don't have to put up with them? Once again the answer is yes. Does seceding from the Union set a precedent that California or Chicago might follow? I hope so.

Unfortunately, none of this is all that likely. Let's assume that the idea catches on. There is a great migration of extreme Christian nut jobs to South Carolina. Just where are they going to park that many mobile homes? It's not like you can just plop down a trailer anywhere. There has to be a flat surface and hook-ups for various utilities. Of course, all the tornados would have to be moved to the east coast. Maybe hurricanes could be up to the task.

Once we get them there, they have to decide which form of Christianity they will embrace. The Baptists will fight the Pentecostals who'll fight the more obscure groups. Sure, it might not be bad as long as they fight each other. What happens when their violence spreads outside South Carolina? Worse still, when all the fighting is done, we end up with a state full of religious radicals who are capable of extreme violence and are toughened by experience. We just may need to ship them Jonestown brand fruit drink.

Once they get established and secede from the Union, they'll start doing a lot of things that many of us would call human rights violations. Eventually the remaining 49 states would have to intervene because we do that kind of thing. Sure, the United Nations could step in and fix it (yes, I'm joking). In all likelihood we would have to bomb them.

I always thought the North would have been better off without the South. If this activity leads to the secession of the Old South, we can only benefit from it here in the northern states. The federal government would no longer need to pay disability for fat kids in trailer parks, for example. The average education level in the remaining United States would skyrocket. Sure, we would lose the revenue from tobacco taxes, but here in Iowa we're down to about twenty percent smokers, last I heard. The price of peanut butter would go up, but that's a sacrifice I'd be prepared to make.

So, if you're an extreme Christian nut job who longs for the glory of the Dark Ages, now's the time to pack up your bags and migrate to South Carolina. I'm sure if you ask around you'll find that God demands it. That's how these things typically work. Remember to take your guns with you; you'll need those to help your discussions with the other Christians you meet there.