Interview with Both Sides

2004-10-31

To help clarify things for Tuesday's presidential election, I present this generic interview with representative members of the Democratic (D) and Republican (R) parties.

LB: Welcome. With the race for the White House running so close, I would like to ask a few questions to help voters make their decisions. To start, what are will your candidate do about Iraq?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

LB: I see. On to another topic, what is the plan for building a stronger economy?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

LB: Very interesting. I'm seeing a pattern in your answers. What is your candidate planning to do about healthcare?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

LB: Now I know it's a pattern. This is the real test. What does your candidate plan to do about gelatin deserts with embedded bits of fruit and marshmallow?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

LB: What do your respective candidates plan to do about pictures of them in women's lingerie and having sex with pigs?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

LB: If it weren't so scary, this would be funny. Do either of you have any closing remarks?

D: John Kerry has a plan. Under George Bush, all the jobs have been sent over seas. Nobody has health care. The president has annoyed the world and we are not safe.

R: George Bush has created more jobs than anybody. Under George Bush, we are all safer. Kerry is a flip flopper and will hand the US over to the French. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an enemy combatant.

That pretty much ends that. I hope it helps when you head to the polls.