Annexing France

2003-12-24

Nobody seems to like France. (Duh) The question is: What do we do with them? I would like to propose a solution. Iowa should annex them.

You may ask, "What makes you think Iowa could do that?" Well, first there would be the matter of invading them and making them our bitches. Since we are 'anybody' here in Iowa and the French will surrender to anybody, the invasion should happen fairly easily.

"Won't the federal government say something about it?"

Yes, at first they would be like, "That's international stuff and all the international stuff has to go through us."
Then we would be like, "Say, would you like to build some military bases on our eastern border to defend us from the rest of Europe? We don't mind if you launch your offensives from there or whatever."
And then they would be like, "Weren't they always part of Iowa? I'm pretty sure they were. Look at their flag; it looks like the Iowa flag. No, Germany, you don't know what your talking about."

Once we're established we can start making stuff better. If the soil will grow grapes, what is the likelihood that it will grow corn or soybeans? We'll have to try it out. If that doesn't work we'll just have to graze our pigs there.

Then we can turn our attention to the schools. We have pretty good schools here. We can start by teaching them to speak without running all the vowels through their noses. Then we'll teach them to pronounce the last letter of the word. This will take a generation to accomplish or less if we implement a program of beatings. (Iowans are pretty laid back and patient so we may only beat a few of them as needed.)

Naturally we will introduce hygiene. Baths and showers will happen at least once a day. If we can take steps to minimize the smell of our hog lots (yes, despite that smell, we have minimized the odor greatly), we can do wonders with the French.

Hollywood will be very confused when the latest fashions out of Paris involve plaid, short-sleeve shirts and denim pants. Everyone will be wearing caps with logos for John Deere, and Pioneer Seed Corn. It will be all the rage. (Do people say still say "all the rage"? I'm not sure of the latest lingo. I'm from Iowa.)

You might ask, "Don't you have to worry about the Germans invading?"

Since we have such a strong German heritage in Iowa, our festivals will confuse the Germans into thinking they already invaded France. That means they don't have to try again. This leaves them free to invade Poland or whatever.

So, overall, there are plenty of good things about Iowa invading France and there are no bad things. I am concerned over one issue. Iowan wildlife doesn't have much trouble with frogs but I hear France is crawling with them. We're Iowans, we can cope and adapt and deal with things as they come up.