A redwing blackbird sitting on a fence post.


Not your candidate

Southern Baptist Sedition


Category: politics

This past weekend, I traveled to Arkansas to be with an injured relative in the hospital. I grew concerned when I got there and found that this relative left his previous religious affiliation and now associates with Southern Baptists. The thought occurred to me that my concern was based on encounters from a few decades ago. Then some members of the congregation showed up and made it clear that my concerns stood on solid footing.

Regular visitors from other countries may be familiar with the name "Southern Baptist". The phrase brings to mind fat people with heavy southern drawls drinking heavily-sweetened, iced tea and explaining to you how they are inherently correct and, therefore, better than you. These tend to be an arrogant people who only gave up (obvious) violence when the FBI developed enough strength in the south to stop them.

My problem with them this time centered on language. All of them used wrong words. I don't mean just words with a heavy accent; I mean they intentionally mispronounced words or said words that were similar but not the same. Did you catch the part where I asserted that this is intentional?

I understand that a person first hearing the word "OxyContin" may have trouble with it. They may mispronounce it as, "oxy-cotton". However, morphine has been around since the early 1800's. It is also a simple word with only two syllables. There is no reason for this word to be pronounced without the 'r' by people who pronounce the 'r' in other words containing it.

This problem with words really showed through when it came to technical terms. If one of them accidentally used a technical or large word, the others gave a slightly shocked and disapproving glance to the transgressor. If the speaker caught on, he or she followed up with something to the effect of, "at least I think that's what that doctor fellow said." The speaker effectively disavowed any ownership of the technical term. It's as though these people want to avoid looking educated at all.

Though standing in the middle of a hospital, these haters of learning made every effort to avoid mentioning the part of the medical staff in the healing that took place. You would hear them say how it was good that God knew how to fix the injury because no man could understand that sort of thing. They completely disregarded the extraordinary work of the doctors, nurses, medical researchers, and all the other myriad people it takes to repair a person. The medical people spend their whole lives learning and studying this subject and the simpleton prattles on about how no man can understand these things.

It is long known that Science and Southern Baptist ideology stand in opposition. Now, it seems, the Southern Baptists have taken the extra step and deemed all learning to be opposed to their teaching. After all, there's only one book you need to read, as any al Qaeda member will tell you. This opposition to science and education will eventually lead to a violent, mindless force that will lash out at everything different, and the United States government will be forced to go in and kill every last one of these ignorant savages.

As the country talks more and more about the need for science in education and about how we need to do more, there is this force in the south that works to undermine our country. It is impossible to be a Southern Baptist and be a patriot. If we are ever going to fix our education system, we are going to have to be prepared to stop these people and their sedition.

Comments (5)