A redwing blackbird sitting on a fence post.


Not your candidate

Generic for President


Category: politics

Having watched the presidential candidates make their speeches, I have found the standard patterns. Now that I have that knowledge, I've decided to do a campaign speech myself. So, here are the reasons you should vote for me.

I believe in an America where things are good for everybody, particularly the poor and pathetic. The other guys don't like the poor. They pass laws to keep poor people down. They have policies that eat big eyed kittens live. They are evil. I'm not like that and, if you elect me, I will give all the money to the poor and I will stop the eating of live kittens.

I believe that all Americans should be immortal. The other guys and the special interests have caused disease and old age for long enough. If I'm elected, I will stop all the diseases, illnesses, and the problems of death. That's right, I will stop the special interests from shortening your life. You and your family will live forever.

Special interests have kept you from having proper employment. I believe every American should have a job where they don't have any responsibilities but are paid infinite sums of money. But that's not enough! I want your employer to bring medical professionals to your home and see to your ongoing immortality. While your employer is there, he or she will pleasure you.

Education is important. You can't make it in life without a good education. The special interests have destroyed all of our schools. They put lead based paint in the schools to make your kids retarded. They've eaten all the books and beaten up all the teachers. The only teachers allowed to remain in the schools are the ones who ate lead based paint earlier. This will not be tolerated. When I'm elected I will wave my magic wand and all of this will be fixed.

There are forces in this world that want us all dead. None of my opponents have a clue about what to do about it. Some of them have actively invited terrorists to come in and blow stuff up. I was once in the army so I am an absolute expert in the security of the planet. When you vote for me, terrorists will tremble at the sound of my name. All the countries of the world will be our friends and they will stop the terrorists they have been harboring up till now. We will be safe to enjoy our immortality.

If we work together, because I am one of you, we will defeat my opponents who want to eat or molest your children before selling them to terrorists. Everybody shout, "America!" Ok, now everybody shout, "Freedom!" Now start to chant, "LibertyBob! LibertyBob!" while I smile, wave, and walk off the stage.

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