Interview with Hitler

2004-06-28

I've heard tell that some people have compared President Bush with former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler. That struck me a bit odd, but hey, that's people for you. Since I've been trying to find ways to harass the LibertyBob Psychic Department, I decided to ask Hitler what he thinks of the comparison. After the "Mindiacs" drew straws to see which one would have to channel the late Nazi, we got started.

LB: Thank you for joining us, you Nazi bastard.

AH: Ah, the flames, the flames? Wait a minute; it is cool here. What is going on?

LB: Some psychic busybody has called forth your soul so that I may ask you some questions. Soon as we're done with the questions, you can go back to where ever it is you normally reside.

AH: No, please do not send me back. I will answer your questions. Yes, I will be very good.

LB: Good. First question, are you up to date on the current events of the living world?

AH: Oh, yes. We are forced to watch network news at all hours.

LB: Some people have compared current American president, George W. Bush, to you. What's your take on that?

AH: That is very insulting. We are nothing alike. Other than the fact that we are both leaders of countries, there is nothing in common.

LB: Thanks, that's all I wanted to know. You can go back now.

AH: No, please no. I can elaborate. I can explain why I am not like George Bush.

LB: Um, I don't know. I really should go stare out a window or something. Oh, alright, why are you not like Bush?

AH: Well, for example, I was a wonderful public speaker. I could stand in front of a crowd and keep them completely in my power. My speaking ability convinced a nation of good Catholics and Lutherans to line up Jews and Gypsies and execute them, just because I said so. Now that is public speaking. This Bush, his nation is attacked by foreign powers and he can barely get his people to rally around his flag. People make jokes of his inability to speak.

LB: That's true enough. Well, thanks?

AH: Wait, there is more. Bush does not assassinate his political enemies. Take, this blowhard called Michael Moore. The fact that this man has not gone into prison for his political crimes confuses me. If I were Bush, this Moore would have been shot escaping some time ago.

LB: I don't think Moore is in the kind of physical condition to do any escaping.

AH: That would be fine. When it comes to "shot while escaping" if you cannot afford an escape, one will be provided for you. Of course, Bush has many enemies. I know that in my administration, some one like Daschle would have "committed suicide" after writing a letter confessing to his love of little boys.

LB: I think we've got the point here. Are there any other differences between you and Bush or is it time for you to go home?

AH: There are plenty of differences. I am sure I can find as many differences as you allow.

LB: Such as?

AH: Take Iraq. If I were in charge, all Iraqis would be labeled inferior people. They would be tagged, cataloged, and relocated to appropriate camps. The useful ones would be given suitable work. The less useful ones would be, um, cleansed. Once order was established and the populace disarmed, I would begin making use of the resources of the region.

LB: Some of the insurgents might not go for that. They would probably try to blow up your troops and such.

AH: I am just as capable of blowing people up. When the French killed my officers, I would gather ten, fifteen, or maybe a hundred local leaders and execute them publicly. In Baghdad I would level entire neighborhoods in retaliation for each attack. If they behead a hostage, I would gas a city. Before too long, there would be no insurgents.

LB: Sounds like you would make quick work of Iraq.

AH: Not just Iraq. Once stablished, I would take Saudi Arabia, Iran, Turkey, and finally end the violence in Israel. I would create an empire that would last a thousand years.

LB: Uh, sure. Anyway, I think I've heard enough differences now.

AH: But there is more. I'm a better dresser. My brown uniform looked much better than his cheap suits. I look better in pink lace.

That ended that. Old Adolph went back to where ever he's been keeping himself since his passing in Argentina in 1987. The poor Mindiac puked in a garbage can then crawled back to the Mindiac offices.

I think we learned a lot.