Why I am Not in Charge 3

2005-04-14

Every so often I like to reiterate why it is that I?m not in charge of everything. The best way is to give examples of my particular leadership that would make some people uncomfortable. This is another one of those.

Imagine that I?m in charge and a generic, top-level journalist is interviewing me.

LB: So, what are we talking about today?

GJ: I?d like to ask a few questions about your prison reforms, particularly the deporting of foreign nationals when they have been convicted of crimes.

LB: Oh yes, that?s one of my best programs. We have eliminated overcrowding in our prisons and have cut prison costs dramatically. What?s more, we have very few repeat offenders.

GJ: Those are very impressive figures. What concerns many people is your definition of foreign national.

LB: What do you mean? The phrase is pretty self-explanatory.

GJ: One would think. However, there have been rumors that not all the people deported were actually from the countries the Department of Justice says they are.

LB: It?s to be expected that criminals will lie to get out of their punishments.

GJ: Let?s look at an example. The US recently deported a Syrian national for drug dealing. The Syrian [makes quotes with fingers] in question is Leroy Jones and he claims to be from New York City. The INS has no knowledge of a Syrian with that name entering the country. Can you explain this?

LB: Good thing he got caught; who knows what he could have been up to. That people still try to sneak into this country under false identities and then try to hook our kids on drugs is just disgusting. Not to worry though, our people are on the ball.

GJ: There were over fifty character witnesses who claimed to have known Mr. Jones since childhood and they swore he was born in the US. They all stopped supporting him when the DoJ [Department of Justice] asked them to what country they would like to be deported.

LB: If they were supporting him, there?s a good chance that they were also in part of his drug dealing team. It?s good that the DoJ were there to look into the matter.

GJ: Then there?s the matter of Mr. Jones? passport. Despite the claim that it was his original passport from Syria, the ink smeared when the officer loaded Jones onto the plane.

LB: We have no say in the quality of any other nation?s passports.

GJ: Then there is the problem of the types of criminals from each country. According to DoJ records, the majority of Syrians deported have been convicted of drug crimes. Murderers deported almost always come from Iran. Strangest of all, almost every sexual predator, rapist, and child molester in the U.S. seems to be from France. Tell us, LibertyBob, why are you sending all of this country?s rapists to France?

LB: I can assure you that no one gets deported unless he or she is a national of the other country [stifles giggle] and that the rights of the citizens of the United States are in all ways preserved. By the way, I can?t quite place your accent. Where did you say you?re from?

GJ: My accent is from Tennessee. I must ask? uh?I, uh, thank you for your time and a wonderful interview. Uh, keep up the good work in protecting America. I have to go now. Bye.

LB: Bye.