Red Winged Black Bird on a fence post in a field.

At My Door


Category: philosophies

It took long enough to get the Jehovah?s Witnesses to go away. It took almost as long to keep the Mormons from knocking on my door. Now suddenly it seems that all the other little denominations have decided to try their hand at bothering people during supper. Since it looks like this is going to catch on, I thought I would make a few helpful points about annoying visiting people at home.

First, we have heard of you and we know where you are located. The reason we haven?t come to see you is because we don?t want to. It really is that simple. We know you would like for us to join your organization. We know we just have to pop in. You really don?t have to come by and invite us personally.

Second, most of us are rather busy. We are busy because we have tangible responsibilities. We don?t have the sort of free time that would allow us to go around knocking on people?s doors. If we had that sort of free time we would spend it looking for legitimate employment.

Third, we probably aren?t part of your group because we believe something different from what you believe. You see, a person?s religion is what they believe to be the fundamental structure of the Universe and everything. If person A believes one thing about the absolute nature of everything and you believe something different, then person A also believes that you are wrong. Sure, it is also true that you think person A is wrong. However, look at the number of doors you?re trying to knock on and compare that with the number of people who are in your church. All those doors are people who think you and your cronies are morons. Knock all you want, you?ll just be proving the point.

Fourth, there are usually laws against bothering people. That means that not only is your religion wrong, but you are a criminal as well. You disgust me.

Finally, it has long been a tradition in the world that if you bother the home of any living creature then you are taking it upon yourself to suffer whatever harm that may befall you. If you put your foot in the badger?s den, your foot will not come back out. Likewise, when you go around knocking on doors, you are subject to whatever abuse we feel like throwing at you. You?ll take it too because the minute you try to escalate things we become justified in escalating even more. The law supports us in this because you are inherently wrong.

So, the next time you decide that you are right in disturbing me at home, remember that you are an idiot and are, therefore, incapable of being right.

Comments (9)
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