Teleportation

2005-01-12

I remember back to childhood discussions where the friends and I would contemplate various super powers. I don?t mean the old Soviet Union or anything like that. I?m talking about superhero like super powers. Many of you probably did the same thing at one time. Though many of my friends thought that flight, invulnerability, or invisibility would be best, I was always partial to teleportation.

First of all, you could easily teleport to anyplace flight could get you without having to pass through any intervening unpleasant things. Secondly, if your teleportation was instinctive, you could easily be out of the way of anything destructive thus having a similar effect to invulnerability. Finally, the only reason for the invisibility thing was to spy on people. If you can teleport you can also easily install spy equipment like wireless cameras. Add the fact that most of the spying was intended to be in the girl?s locker room, the idea of cameras makes even more sense (if you?re that kind of bastard).

While remembering these things I began to wonder what I would do with such a power now that I?m older. With maturity I?ve also developed some of those morals that every one goes on about. (The doctors tell me there?s no cure.) So spying on high school girls seems wrong in some fashion. So does the idea of teleporting into bank vaults and leaving with small amounts of cash. Instead, here are a few things I think I would do.

Every time some terrorist bastard, like that bin Laden schmuck, released a video, I would feel the urge to teleport to the location shown in the background and plant a homing beacon so the military could find the place. As an added task I would have to take along a bomb or two in case the bastards were still there when I arrived. See how bin Laden likes being the leader of al Confetti.

I would have to acquire or build a space suit. It would be cool to put strange things on the moon or in orbit around the Earth. Imagine NASA getting the radio signals from two unidentified objects communicating. (Object 1: ?Hey, Jimmy Joe! That you?? Object 2: ?You betcher sweet ass it is.? Object 1: ?What the hell you doin? up here?? Object 2: ?Awe, Nadine found out about that waitress over in Booger Hollow and now she is on the war path. I thought I better get out of the trailer till she cools down? Object 1: ?I hear that?)

While I have my space suit, I would definitely have to pop on over to Mars to play with the rovers. I want to make a metal sign that looks like a Coca Cola™ sign. It would be red and white with that little wave thing they use. Instead of saying ?Coca Cola™? in recognizable letters it would be written in some strange alien script. I would lightly sand blast and corrode the sign to make it look ancient. Finally, I would figure out where one of the rovers is headed. I would put the sign just over the next dune so the rover could find it. Wouldn?t that be a pretty picture for the rovers to send back to NASA? (HEADLINE: Signs of Carbonated Beverage Found on Mars)

Dating can be interesting when one can teleport. Imagine that you go out dancing. You dance to a few songs. The first time you can get your arms around your date and spin them as part of the dance, you stare deep into their eyes to keep their attention, then you teleport back to your place. If your date is romantic enough, they won?t be freaked out but will think they had such a good time that they can?t remember it. (?It was all just a big blur.?) Of course these days they may just assume that you drugged them.

The most important uses for teleportation don?t require such a level of trickery. For example, I would save a fortune on gasoline and other automotive expenses. I could shop wherever the prices were lowest, duty free! I could vacation anywhere at any time. (Co-worker: ?So, where?d you go for lunch?? Me: ?Amsterdam.?) I could hire out to various agencies and commercial enterprises (?When it absolutely, positively has to be there a few minutes from now.?) Depending on the mass I could carry with me, NASA would save billions of dollars just getting things into space. Of course, their savings would be better if I didn?t charge so much.

So that?s what I?d do if I could teleport. In the comments, please tell me what super power you always wished for and how you would abuse it. If it?s kinky enough, you may get volunteers willing to pretend.